So I’m sitting here at work thinking about three women to whom I’m attracted (note: not a song. Yet.)

I do this a lot. Not thinking about these three necessarily, but thinking about relationships, both specifically in my life and generally as a concept.

One of them works with me and doesn’t want to date a coworker. I am OK with dating a coworker, but I can understand her viewpoint. It can be a lot harder than dating someone with whom you do not work. Separating work life from home life can be difficult as it is, much less doing that with someone that happens to be in both lives. Personally, I have had very successful relationships with coworkers that remained so even after they ended, and find the positives outweigh the negatives.

Bachelorette #2 (yes, I realize I’m being a bit… well, let’s just move on) just ended a very (VERY) long relationship, and is still pretty broken. I think she’s better now, but I’m more interested in a long-term relationship at this point, not a rebound.

The third one is a friend with whom I’ve hung out quite a bit. We’ve gone on a few dates, hung out with mutual friends (how we met,) play softball together, etc.

She’s started seeing someone else without telling me. In fact, she still hasn’t told me that she’s seeing this dude. I only know because one of our mutual friends told me (this mutual friend also told me she [mutual friend] doesn’t like this guy, if that means anything.)

I wonder if this woman was going to tell me before or after we went on our dinner date we’d been planning (she wouldn’t commit to a specific time, maybe because she was FREAKING DATING SOMEONE ELSE.) I was going to spill my guts to her, too. Just as well I found out about the other guy before I made a complete ass of myself.

I think I will anyway, though. She’s worth it, and she’s not being herself with this guy. The person both I and our mutual friend know is not someone who would conceal a relationship this way (or anything, for that matter.) This means (to us, anyway) that there’s something wrong with it.

Not to mention she and I still send each other text messages and Facebook chats, even flirty ones, too. I still think she just considers us friends, but hiding something from me and apparently me alone means there’s something else going on, too.

I’m also find myself at fault for some of this. I think I sent her mixed signals early on. Commence whining about personal life, as if there isn’t enough of that in this post explanation:

I bought a car recently. Brand new, totally awesome, great gas mileage. As it was, however, I couldn’t really afford this car. It’s not that I spent too much money, though a case could be made. After all, I did buy it new, not used. However, it was more that I couldn’t have afforded any car, and the monthly payments were killing me. Specifically, I had to have my parents pay my rent for a couple of months.

Talk about embarrassing.

Now, this woman makes a lot more money than I do. I hold no grudge, and genuinely don’t much care about it. She’s worked her ass off to get where she is, and earns every penny she makes. But I also didn’t want that to become a thing between us.

If, for example, I was making more money than I needed to live (you know, actually saving money? I know, right?), and a friend of mine was hurting for money, I’d write this person a check. No questions asked. Absolutely. You’ll pay me back whenever, if at all, don’t particularly care.

And yet: There’s no way I would take any of this woman’s money. Nope. Never. Not gonna happen.

This isn’t just a chivalrous/chauvinist thing (depending on your point of view.) I hate taking money from friends, male or female. It always feels like the friendship changes a little after this kind of thing, and it’s a path I am not OK with taking. Especially with someone to whom I’m attracted (that part may be the chivalrous/chauvinist part. Oh well, too bad. It’s who I am.)

I guess I just didn’t want to tell her that I was struggling, to make me seem either like a less-than-perfect match for her (which usually doesn’t exist anyway) or make her feel guilty about making more money than me (might have happened, not sure if it would) or I was just flat out ashamed and embarrassed I let myself get in this situation (DING DING DING!)

And, of course, by making sure it wouldn’t get in the way of a possible relationship, I let it get in the way of a possible relationship. I, in my shame and embarrassment, withdrew completely from all my friends, honestly, not just her. God forbid I ever open up and tell anyone any of my problems. But, in all honesty, if I were in her shoes, and this guy I was (hopefully) interested in just up and disappeared for a month or two? RED DAMN FLAG.

To mercifully end this crap, I now have a second job that pays me well enough to start scrimping and saving and putting money aside for things I want to buy, not just things I have to buy. Like, say, taking this woman out on a dinner date! The very same dinner date mentioned above, in fact. Too little, too late.

Sigh. I wish I were better at this stuff. I wish I were better at communicating. Here, too. I haven’t posted in a while because this has been weighing pretty heavily on my mind. I’ll be keeping the self-pity limited as best I can. I’m still going to write about whatever is on my mind, but I’ll try to keep the LiveJournal emo-shit minimized.


About certbutt

Um, I do stuff.
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